We could write these all day. (Sometimes we do.)


We already know
It's bigger inside than out
Please stop telling us

Third Doctor, Who con
Please don't tell the tale again
About the eyepatch

After one season
Liz Shaw will be sadly missed
By all but Pertwee

UNIT's secret base
With enormous sign out front
Don't tell anyone

Souvenir hunter
Through time, space and old houses
Where'd that compass go?

Action wannabe
Will drive anything for fun
But likes Bessie best

Vital task of day
For Jo on way to UNIT
Choose matching knickers

A Time Lord love match
Doctor, Master, wedded bliss
Well, that's our story

In trouble again
Do you like jelly babies?
Oh, well. Maybe not

Note to Sixth Doctor
Arguing with companion
Isn't exercise

Sixth Doc and Rani
Once lovers in "The Brothers"
A small universe

Poor little Peri
Must get a lot of chest colds
Give the girl some clothes

Novelty waistcoat
Question mark umbrella too
They're having a laugh

The Doctor returns
Half human? I don't think so
Nice new TARDIS though

Paul kisses Daphne
Get your lips away from her
You're breaking canon

A part-time Time Lord
With alternative career
Pro bono lawyer


In trouble at school?
Try kidnapping your teachers
In a police box

Scary? Not very
Only when the lights are on
Please keep the noise down

Disabled TARDIS
Fit for habitation by
Very small Vikings

A hail of bullets
Some primitive dentistry
And a loony tune

Tin men in freezer
Evil foreigners abound
What's this button do?

We want your planet
Covered in foamy goodness
Where did our fleet go?

A mini-Time Lord
Goes home to shop for new face
So that's who he is

Guts on the outside
Is that a fashion statement?
Gold paint is nicer

Crops have failed again
If only life weren't so hard
Too many villains

What's with the mind probe?
Isn't suspicion enough
For ruthless killers?

Third Doctor hunts ghosts
Samples a cheeky vintage
Nicks Gorgonzola

Furry teddy bear
Rudely shaped ambassador
And a proposal

Don't take us back there
It was brilliant the first time
But this is awful

Peril from the deep
But we've seen it all before
In "Silurians"

He's got a sky base
He wants his own planet too
It's all right - he's mad

Dandy, clown, fogey
Three Doctors in deep trouble
Omega is bad

Vicious things, Drashig
All teeth. And teeth. And more teeth
Let me out of here

It's not "The Daleks"
Innovation replaced with
Lectures on courage

I see Wotan's back
This time he's brought some maggots
And green slime too. Eww

Mike Yates a traitor
Companion in fake ship shock
Who would have thought it?

Who'd have thought we'd see
Biggest bang in history
On children's TV?

Transgendered villain
Duck and cover - nuke attack
We'll miss you, Sarah

Ten little androids
Odd-looking country house, though
Look out behind you

Baker and Martin
Feet floating above the ground
So not a good look

Warrior dude, green,
Scattered through time, seeks artists
For fun and profit

Boy with strange habits
Tied up and enjoying it
We don't want to know

Irritating brat
The best thing he did was die
Thank God that's over

Who's half-inched our plane?
Lurking in the Pleistocene
A nasty surprise

Cricket fan doctor
Terileptil in batting gloves
Don't bowl us over

Yodelling tin man
The worst French accent in the world
Hardly masterly

Not all it's cracked up to be
Unless you like stone

Panto horse? High kicks?
Aced it, Doctor: there should have
Been another way

Spotted a maypole?
Don't let them give you a dress
It'll end badly

Giant prawns underground
Look out, he's got a hatstand!
Who's nicked my TARDIS?

Davros is alive?
Why can't the guy take a hint
And die already?

Death by volcano
Companion revolving door
Much smoke without fire

Bye bye, Doctor. Like
They say: it's not just a bunch
Of old caves, you know

Who was it who said
You can't make slug-egg omelette
Without breaking legs?

Go get the welder
Our great Cyberleader wants
His stomach let out

Unfairly accused
Acid bath scene on Varos
He didn't do it

These two are morons
But there's some consolation
My TARDIS is cool

Viva l'Espana
Anyone fancy some lunch?
I'll get my cleaver

Tinselled time passage
If you've got to be banished
Take the scenic route

Welcome. Pick your door
Baby Daleks on the right
Protein on the left

If it looks like Earth
And it has a Central Line
It'll be Earth. Duh

Unclear on what's real?
Don't bother with the red pill
Take the marsh minnow

Four eps of horror
Move along, nothing to see
Except the Valeyard

Bit of a turn-up
He says he's an alien
But hey, whatever

To avoid crisis
Don't let anyone hand you
A load of old balls

Evil wisps of blue
Seeking short holiday let
In our dead grandmas

Just imagine this:
You're about to deal out death
And your zip gets stuck

Feel sorry for me
I've got some bint's DNA
Now I want a tan

Bankers are evil
The media are corrupt
Like you didn't know

I could turn back time
It's no good, we'll all be munched
Bye again, dead Dad

The phone is ringing
Something about a mummy
Maybe it's Sutekh

Chardonnay, handcuffs,
Morality: great first date
Look out guys, surf's up

Turns out that Rose had
A galactic scribbling pad
Don't inhale, Doctor

Christmas horoscope:
Wake not the sleeping Time Lord
Lucky foodstuff: fruit

Fresh out of the fridge
I'm feeling a bit poorly
How about a hug?

Cheeky naked child
Dangerous dog off the lead
We are not amused

Welcome home, Sarah
Your visit was all too short
Come back anytime

Feat of bravery
Dashing knight on a white horse
No match for TB

Tromping Cyberfeet
Mickey in his underpants
Hi, I'm Rose, again

Seen my face at all?
I seem to have misplaced it
Inside the telly

The seed of evil
Or maybe just some vases
Better not to know

Hi, my name's Elton
This really is Doctor Who
Don't change the channel

Will you be my friend?
You'd look so good in charcoal
Pass me that pencil

Goodbye, England's Rose
But can't you please stop crying?
Our screen's getting damp

Halfway down the aisle
Swept away by a Time Lord
How very dare you

Fly me to the moon
You say you're a doctor? Snap
Nice consulting room

Just one trip, he said
No point telling anyone
I'm the Dark Lady

Quarantine warning
It seems the whole place has got
A bad case of crabs

It's like swatting flies
Soon as you get rid of them
Four more come along

It's not all downside
Yes, I'm a people-eater
But hey, I'm not old

Gerroff, that's my sun
Do you like my ViewMaster?
Sure lights up my eyes

Sub rosa Time Lord
An invisible spaceship
What is this - Shada?

Garden ornaments
Munching all your tomorrows
Better stick to gnomes

My evil plans foiled
But this time I'm staying dead
See how you like that

I'm the Fifth Doctor
Perhaps you remember me
I'm much better now

Was that an iceberg?
It would make just as much sense
As these rocky things

Saviour of Oodkind
Fights slavery while wearing
Sweatshop Converses

Reduce your carbon
And we'll all be knee deep in
Sontaran babies

Hi, I'm Jenny Who
Now I use guns, now I don't
Kind of like my Dad

Must be going mad
Could swear I saw a big wasp
Too many sidecars

Fancy a picnic?
Bring some nice meat sandwiches
And something to read

Repeat after me
I'm talking in stereo
Hey, you nicked my words

Diet with Davros:
Making new baby Daleks
Exterminates pounds

Hey! Can you hear me?
I think this cupboard door's stuck
Is anyone there?

Holiday on Mars
Lots of sand, great ice skating
Don't drink the water

The Time Lord diet:
Lose all of your body weight
And be Time Lord Lite

Lost your eel? No prob
Cause I just saw it sideways
It's in the spare room

Cetacean engine
Is not at all a turtle
Nothing to see here

Would you like some tea?
Sorry, I actually meant

Statues in the dark
Battling terminal shyness
They're stone cold killers

Fishes with fingers
But there's a time and a plaice
If you catch our drift

Rory? Who's Rory?
A hot redhead in da house
In your dreams, Doctor

Kidnapping your kids
And stealing your auntie's corpse
That's so cold-blooded

Vincent's brilliant
Shame they didn't hire him to
Paint over the cracks

Have a kickabout
Eat biscuits and make omelettes
What about the threat?

Hospital, prison,
Giant torch and universe
In Pandora's box

Freezer-bound singer
Seeks future reformed miser
For fun and Christmas

Death of the Doctor
After such a loss we should
Observe a Silence

Episode full of
Very many shiny things
Why is it so dull?

Madman with a box
Let us introduce you to
Mad bitey lady

I'm just like you, or
Maybe I want to kill you
Dunno. Either's good

O hai, Mum and Dad
Scuse me while I kill this guy
It's that kind of day

Scary kid powers
An alien in distress
Fear him, you might say

Anchor, waterfall
Thirty-six years of anguish
Use better labels

Faith, hope, charity
And the yummiest of these
Turns out to be faith

We'll conquer the world
Just as soon as we can get
A bigger shovel

Forced to grow a beard
Married off to a nutjob
Just shoot me now. Twice

Wish upon a bone
Gets a box of Narnia
And some tree-hugging

Dalek recipe
Eggs, milk and eggbeaters will
Souffle you alive

New traffic offence
Breaking the speed limit on
A triceratops

Sticks and stones may break
Your bones but only if you
Step over the line

Sonic screwdriver?
Next time, Chris, at least try to
Think outside the box

It's a foolproof way
To stop waiting for the Doc
Blink and he'll miss you

The Doctor versus
Ferocity the Snowman
But who will get iced?